I feel like I’ve been drifting. It makes me wonder. Do I really need God? I’ve been doing pretty good so far… yet still I know I need Him. He seems so far away.
But that was earlier. Now I feel forgiven. The peace that passes understanding is rolling over me. But as much as it is in fact peace, I feel unsettled. A healthy unsettled. My heart is waking up. As much as I feel fuller, as much as I feel loved, as much as my capacity to love feels like it has increased, I grow anxious. I can’t sit still. It is the world around me.
There is so much going on in this world. I hardly understand it. They say ignorance is bliss. And they are right. But bliss is suddenly an unattractive option when my heart wakes up. Bliss is not enough. Bliss is a sort of laziness, a cop out. It’s not that I’m a pessimist, but an Unitarian existence is not enough. It can’t exist. It reminds me of the quote by Edmund Burke:
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
I suppose I’m one of the good men. A part of Dumbledore’s Army, but in a grander scale. Because my leader isn’t some fictional wizard. My leader is the ruler of all, the King of kings, Creator of the World. Wow. That is crazy. Awe astounding. It never dawned on me like that. I can’t even put it into words. My understanding of how great God is has grown again.
Sometimes I go to the mountains. They are like cathedrals. The trees rise like pillars while the wildflowers find refuge in the valleys from the wind. When the sun sets, the rock reflects the most beautiful colours of purple and orange you’ve ever seen. It’s as if the very rocks cry out to his majesty.
Majesty. A king. A kingdom. A kingdom upside down. A kingdom of love. What am I then? A peasant? Or am I a knight. No, I am in fact nobility. A child of the King.
But still I run around forgetting who my father really is. Nobility made undeserving of it. I am so unworthy. But still he makes me His child. I am covered so completely by grace. Every charge laid down. I don’t need to make a show, perform a ritual, or prove myself somehow to a distant deity. He’s the king, and I am His son. This is so very incredible.
This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!
Romans 8:15-17 (MSG)